Try a Little Tenderness: Good for your Partner AND Good for You!
Do you ever find yourself, speaking harshly to your partner, in ways that you would never speak to another person? And this is the one you love the most?! OK, I know it’s not just me. And really, does it ever go well? Does it bring you closer? And lead you more to the relationship you’ve always longed for? My hunch is no.
When we think about what we want in a partnership, we never create agreements that say, “We will treat each other with kindness and respect, except for when we’re really frustrated, when we can treat each other like crap.” It might even feel good for a moment or two (to discharge that energy) though it always leads to more hurt, if not repaired. We would never willingly sign up for that, and yet we do it all the time. In a future post, I will talk about why this happens. For now, here are some thoughts on what to do about it:
How about the words of Otis Redding, simple but not always easy. “Try a little tenderness”
It’s not just sentimental, no, no, no
She has her grief and care, yeah yeah yeah
But the soft words, they are spoke so gentle, yeah
It makes it easier, easier to bear, yeah
The ‘soft words’ make it easier to bear for your partner – and for yourself. When you bring tenderness (AKA compassion) to your partner, you are more likely to get the partner you long for; thus, it is better for BOTH of you.
Imagine how things would be different if there was compassion, kindness, and sweetness between you and your partner, even when there was a disagreement. Sadly, we rarely have had models for interacting this way, so we left to learn and develop new skills for more skillful relating. The good news is that it is never too late to learn more effective ways of relating to our partner.
Do you and your partner FULLY listen to each other?
For example, what if you could fully listen, without interruption, without dismissive body language… for a full 3 minutes as your partner explains their hurt, their needs; your only agenda being to understand their experience. And what if your partner could fully listen to you, without interruption, without dismissive body language… for a full 3 minutes as you explain their hurt, your needs; their only agenda being to understand your experience. We so often get into conflict because we struggle to remaining present and tender when our partner is hurting about something we may have done (even though it is inevitable that this will happen… many times… again and again… you get the point). Fortunately, such skills can be learned, and with practice, become more the norm. Over time, conflict can be an opportunity for intimacy. May sound hard to believe, but when we can listen (and be listened to) with tenderness, curiosity and compassion, our deepest vulnerabilities can be witnessed, and core needs might even be met.
Take heed the words of Otis… “Try a little tenderness… You won’t regret it.”
Compassion for Couples Course
Would you like some support with bringing compassion into your relationship? Megan Prager and I are teaching an 8- week skills building course called Compassion for Couples. Couples will learn and practice concrete skills to relate to each other with greater self-awareness & compassion; deepen your connection & better navigate challenges. The next course runs Feb. 11, – April 8, 2025 (no class March 11). 7:30 – 9:30pm EST. Registration and more information.
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