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Back in 1992 The Stereo MCs sang, “Hear me out. Terrified. Something ain’t right.
I’m gonna get myself, gonna get myself, gonna get myself connected.”
They sure were on to something.

EPIDEMIC OF LONELINESS

Fast forward to 2024, “the shadow of loneliness and disconnection haunts our modern ‘connected’ world,” write Robert Waldinger & Marc Schulz, authors of The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. We live in a world that is more digitally connected than ever, yet there is an epidemic of loneliness. A 2021 survey by Statistics Canada found that more than 40% of people feel lonely some or most of the time. An ongoing clinical trial at Toronto’s Mt. Sinai Hospital states that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Well before the COVID-19 pandemic, the UK appointed a Minister of Loneliness, recognizing the significant negative health impacts of social isolation.

Gabor Mate, Canadian physician and author argues that loneliness and isolation are so prevalent in our society today; leaving us traumatized, disconnected, and ashamed. He further states that loneliness and isolation are the root cause of most chronic illnesses. He calls for a complete overhaul of society. Sounds great! But, in the meantime, what might we do about it now?

POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS: AN ANTIDOTE TO LONELINESS.

Perhaps we could put the focus on cultivating relationships to the forefront of our lives, as if they depend on it. Could we intentionally focus on our relationships – nurturing the ones we have, and cultivating ones we don’t yet have. Just like we commonly make resolutions about diet and fitness, how about adding relationships to the mix? It’ll be good for your health.

The Harvard happiness study found that positive relationships are essential to human well-being. They keep us happier, healthier and help us live longer. The study also concluded that “warm, connected relationships protect against the slings and arrows of life and getting old,” (Waldinger & Schulz, 2024, pg. 23). Relationship expert, John Gottman, stated that working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.
Researchers Verbrugge and House of the University of Michigan found an unhappy marriage can increase our chances of getting sick by 35% and even shorten our life by an average of four to eight years.

The good news is it is never too late to begin nurturing your relationships. In fact, the authors of The Good Life conclude from the decades long research on happines, “It doesn’t matter how old you are… everyone can make positive turns in their life.”

So why not turn your attention to cultivating warm, connected relationships within your life. And for now, taking heed of the words of the Stereo MC’s and
“Make sure you’re connected.”

PRACTICALLY SPEAKING: Build a new habit of getting connected.

For the next month, add “relationships” to your to do list or calendar. Ruthlessly carve out a regular time to focus on one or more relationships in your life. Call a friend, visit a neighbor, share a favourite memory with your partner, look at family photos with your children, or other activities that foster connection.

Feel free to reach out to see how I might help you have the relationships you want in your life.

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Why is it so Hard to Talk to my Partner?

 “Can you show me how you feel now? Come on, come talk to me,” sings Peter Gabriel.

And yet, so often, we don’t. Or when we do, it feels lousy. Why is that?

Communication difficulties are the most common reason couples come to talk to me; we just can’t seem to communicate effectively with each other. 

Does this sound familiar?

“I told you not to leave your bag in the hallway!”
“I didn’t!”
“Yes, you did! Why don’t you ever put anything away?!”
“Why do you only point out when I forget to do something and never say anything about all the things I do do?!” 
“Oh, forget it!” 
“Yeah, I’m done with this.”

Variations of this dialogue are not uncommon in couples. Unfortunately, they get us nowhere; instead, they put the kybosh on meaningful communication about what is really going on. And we certainly don’t gleam any insight into what each of us is actually feeling.

Here are 5 reasons why communication is often fraught between partners. By no means are these the only reasons:

HUMANS ARE NOT THE GREATEST COMMUNICATORS 

We humans are not the greatest communicators, even though we think we are. We make errors all the time but assume that we are communicating well and that our partner is just not getting it. Stan Tatkin, leading couples therapist and developer of PACT, states  “Even on a good day, our verbal communication is poor, and we are often misunderstanding each other most of the time.” We routinely misread nonverbal cues – tone, body posture, facial expressions etc. Often, we don’t consciously notice them at all. This is especially pronounced when we assume our partner understands us. We work to convince them of our position, rather than checking in to see if we are being clear or what they might be feeling. We ‘run with what is in our heads instead of checking reality with our partner‘ (Tatkin, 2018). 

WE DO WHAT WE SEE

We do not have strong societal models for healthy communication – just watch a government meeting, or a Hollywood romance. What kind of ‘training’ did we get? How did your parents communicate with each other? With you? Interesting to ponder… We learn how to communicate with others, especially our partners, from what we observed (and experienced) in our earliest relationships.

THE HUMAN BRAIN IS WIRED FOR TO DETECT THREAT

The brain is a threat detector, primed to react to perceived threats, and these reactions are fast; they often happen before we are even aware of them. In fact, our brain and body scan for danger, asking the question, “Am I safe?” at least 4 times per second! When we are stressed or upset, if left unchecked, our body perceives threat, meaning we are likely communicating with our partner as if they are our enemy! Just look at the dialogue above; threat detectors would be on high alert.

CULTURAL PROMOTION OF FIERCE INDIVIDUALISM

“The price we pay as a society for our toxic individualism… is our permanent estrangement from one another,” writes Bruce Springsteen. Most of us are not raised in a context of interdependence, and dependence has become a dirty word in relationships. However, relationship expert Terry Real says “ the world does not belong to us, we belong to one another.” When we don’t allow ourselves to depend on each other – we are pack animals after all – we cut ourselves off from meaningful communication and connection. 

WE LIVE IN A WORLD THAT PROMOTES AVOIDANCE OF PAIN

We avoid pain. Full Stop. And communication with our partners can be painful, especially when it is about our hurts, losses, disappointments, longings, complaints, etc. As leading couples researcher and therapist John Gottman says, avoiding talking about painful topics is like walking around with a stone in our shoe, causing more hurt with each step until it finally bruises the bone. When we avoid pain, we don’t have the conversations we need to have to help us get better at communicating. Ultimately, then, we don’t communicate with our partner about what really matters.

Future posts will offer many ideas of what to do instead. But to start, how about the words of Peter Gabriel,

“Please talk to me
Won’t you please talk to me?
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me.”

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