Why is it so Hard to Talk to my Partner?

“Can you show me how you feel now? Come on, come talk to me,” sings Peter Gabriel.

And yet, so often, we don’t. Or when we do, it feels lousy. Why is that?

Communication difficulties are the most common reason couples come to talk to me; we just can’t seem to communicate effectively with each other.

Does this sound familiar?

“I told you not to leave your bag in the hallway!”
“I didn’t!”
“Yes, you did! Why don’t you ever put anything away?!”
“Why do you only point out when I forget to do something and never say anything about all the things I do do?!”
“Oh, forget it!”
“Yeah, I’m done with this.”

Variations of this dialogue are not uncommon in couples. Unfortunately, they get us nowhere; instead, they put the kybosh on meaningful communication about what is really going on. And we certainly don’t gleam any insight into what each of us is actually feeling.

Here are 5 reasons why communication is often fraught between partners. By no means are these the only reasons:

HUMANS ARE NOT THE GREATEST COMMUNICATORS

We humans are not the greatest communicators, even though we think we are. We make errors all the time but assume that we are communicating well and that our partner is just not getting it. Stan Tatkin, leading couples therapist and developer of PACT, states “Even on a good day, our verbal communication is poor, and we are often misunderstanding each other most of the time.” We routinely misread nonverbal cues – tone, body posture, facial expressions etc. Often, we don’t consciously notice them at all. This is especially pronounced when we assume our partner understands us. We work to convince them of our position, rather than checking in to see if we are being clear or what they might be feeling. We ‘run with what is in our heads instead of checking reality with our partner‘ (Tatkin, 2018).

WE DO WHAT WE SEE

We do not have strong societal models for healthy communication – just watch a government meeting, or a Hollywood romance. What kind of ‘training’ did we get? How did your parents communicate with each other? With you? Interesting to ponder… We learn how to communicate with others, especially our partners, from what we observed (and experienced) in our earliest relationships.

THE HUMAN BRAIN IS WIRED FOR TO DETECT THREAT

The brain is a threat detector, primed to react to perceived threats, and these reactions are fast; they often happen before we are even aware of them. In fact, our brain and body scan for danger, asking the question, “Am I safe?” at least 4 times per second! When we are stressed or upset, if left unchecked, our body perceives threat, meaning we are likely communicating with our partner as if they are our enemy! Just look at the dialogue above; threat detectors would be on high alert.

CULTURAL PROMOTION OF FIERCE INDIVIDUALISM

“The price we pay as a society for our toxic individualism… is our permanent estrangement from one another,” writes Bruce Springsteen. Most of us are not raised in a context of interdependence, and dependence has become a dirty word in relationships. However, relationship expert Terry Real says “ the world does not belong to us, we belong to one another.” When we don’t allow ourselves to depend on each other – we are pack animals after all – we cut ourselves off from meaningful communication and connection.

WE LIVE IN A WORLD THAT PROMOTES AVOIDANCE OF PAIN

We avoid pain. Full Stop. And communication with our partners can be painful, especially when it is about our hurts, losses, disappointments, longings, complaints, etc. As leading couples researcher and therapist John Gottman says, avoiding talking about painful topics is like walking around with a stone in our shoe, causing more hurt with each step until it finally bruises the bone. When we avoid pain, we don’t have the conversations we need to have to help us get better at communicating. Ultimately, then, we don’t communicate with our partner about what really matters.

Future posts will offer many ideas of what to do instead. But to start, how about the words of Peter Gabriel,

“Please talk to me
Won’t you please talk to me?
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me.”